Marriage Fireside Notes

Our ward hosted a stake marriage fireside last weekend with Matt Townsend as the presenter. He. was. hilarious! We had so much fun and gained a lot of incites. We laughed so much that I commented later to some friends that my cheeks hurt, and they asked which ones (because we were on those hard metal chairs for 2 hours:). He he he. Anyway, it was good so I thought I'd share my notes, although it's hard to write down funny jokes and stories when you're laughing so hard. Plus I didn't want to miss anything! So you'll only get a glimpse into his stuff. And if you get any chance to go see him (or watch him occasionally on Studio 5), we highly recommend it. Enjoy!

-What are some things that impact marriage? money, kids, work, in-laws, family, and hundreds of other stresses.

-The fire/smoke analogy: the smoke is what you fight about, the fire is the stuff you never resolve. In real fires, most people that die do it because of the smoke, not the fire. What is the number one thing you fight about? That's your smoke, and there's most likely a story behind why it bugs you, and that's the root of the problem, the fire.

-Men are the protectors, providers, and presiders. Women are the nurturers. It takes a certain amount of ego for the men to accomplish their roles, so don't squelch that ego. And help him save face when he embarasses himself.

-Men and women have the same amount of neurons, but they are used differently (in different parts/concentrations) in the brain. Men have compartments and women have spiderwebs. Men put arguments and lovin' in separate compartments and pull them out as wanted. But women's different things affect each other. If you get in an argument, it affects the lovin' part of the web and it's not gonna happen!

-To get to the root of the "smoke" problems, use his 7 marriage essentials: STARVED.

-Safety: you should feel safe with your spouse socially, emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually, etc.

-Women bond by communicating/talking. Men bond through activity. Don't disrespect this, just realize it. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, love languages, whatever you want to call it. Women's brains actually produce oxytocin (that's what he said, but I wonder if he meant seratonin? hmmm.) when they talk with friends and family members (and their spouse of course). But men's brains only produce it when they're intimate. Women get a bonus because they produce the oxytocin when they breastfeed as well. I guess that's the bonus for having a 24/7 for life job.

-Also, this difference in bonding (talking vs. activity) is why women talk and coo to their newborns and men want to throw the baby up in the air as soon as they can hold their necks up. And why said woman would go crazy when this happens.

-The average male glance is 3 seconds. The average female glance is 13 seconds. This happens from birth. That's why women are usually more in tune with people's feelings, etc. Part of maturnal nature. That's why little girls look at their mother's before they do something wrong, and boys have the guilty look after they've done something naughty (I think I got this right, maybe I have it backwards).

-Men's brains are bigger than women's, but women do just as much (have the same amount of neurons) in a smaller space.

-The corpus colosum is the network in the brain connecting left brain to right brain. Women's corpus colosums are really complex, like a superhighway with tons of traffic and big rigs. Men's brains are like a country road with a single 3-legged asmatic donkey.

-Men are literal. They never hint like women. Just remember that when they're trying to be honest.

-Speaking of literal, he told a joke about how at the end of a long day, the kids were driving his wife crazy, and she said, "Ugh, you kids are driving me crazy!" He walks in, hearing this, and the protector comes out in him and he's perfectly willing to wallop the kid that's doing this to his bride. There, problem solved, only that's not what she had in mind. He wanted to solve her problem for her.

-Trust: spouses should trust each other's character, capability, etc. It's very hard to communicate and bond with someone you don't trust.

-Appreciation: Appreciate the things your spouse does to give to your love language, to comprimise between your opposite needs.

-Respect.

-Validation.

-Encourage: In order to encourage, you've got to get to their heart.

-Dedication.

-D&C 130. vs. 1: We will notice our Savior as A MAN. vs. 2: sociality. We will have the same interactions and social gifts in the next life, including social grace. If most of your free time is spent interacting with your buddies while hunting, then that's your priority. But if you're spending it with your partner, interacting and getting to know them better, that will carry over.

-Women are prequalified for the glory. Men qualify themselves through the priesthood.

-His homework assignment: For 3 weeks have Cuddletime each night. Rules: 20 minutes, talk, touch, no groping, no griping. Only talk about good/positive stuff. Men will get the touch they need (they need 4 times more touch than women) and women will get their talking/bonding in.

-If you're starving him, he'll probably starve you. Vicious cycle. But if you start trying to unstarve him or feed the relationship, chances are he'll start trying too.

-3 Nephi 17. Great example of the Savior communicating. He looked at them to see how all he had just said landed on them. He is so in tune that he could tell that they were tired. And he had compassion for them, and told them to go home and ponder and rest. But then he could perceive just by looking at them that they really didn't want to do that. They wanted him to stay. And He, the creator of our universe, changed his mind. And it was an amazing result. So amazing and so awe-inspiring, He wept. We can learn a lot about communication from this story.

-The Savior is the Master Feeder. In the Mary and Martha story, He cried with empathy for his friends, even though he knew he was going to bring back Lazarus. He just felt so bad that they were so sad. Are you that in tune? And that empathetic? He noticed the woman with the blood disorder too.

-How to grow charity? Service! (Moroni 7:45) Serve for it and pray for it. Christ went through it all to know how to succor His people.

-Believe your spouse, listen to them, be honest.

-When you serve, charity and grace are then given to you. Pray for that grace. It will convert you to your partner.

-Picture meeting the Savior again. With all your family around you. And picture your spouse going up to meet the Savior and collapsing in His arms. Picture this sweet moment and think about it and it will help you deal with your relationship. And deal with the rest of humanity too.


I'm so sorry that these are kind of scatter-brained notes. I'm reading them a week after I wrote them and can't remember why I wrote some of the things. So I'm sorry if they don't make sense. I hope I got it right. I wish you could have heard all of his funny anecdotes and stories! Hilarious!!