Making Room

This morning as I was opening my fast with a prayer, I asked for an added measure of the Spirit, as I so desperately need it right now to be a good mother. The answer came: You know, Hilary, one of the best ways to fill yourself with the Spirit is to share your testimony. My begrudging reply: Ya, I know. So I fought it somewhat rebelliously all day until finally in church I realized I wasn't doing this small thing He asked of me, and yet I still wanted the blessings. If I really wanted an extra dose of the Spirit, I would do what was asked of me. Ugh. I gave in and shared a minute or two of my testimony (for the first time in over 3 years I might add).

Now, after listening to President Monson's message in the Christmas Devotional about the innkeeper that might've found Mary and Joseph some room had he known who they really were, I'm rethinking my attitude earlier today. Pres. Monson urged us all to find time in our lives and room in our hearts for our Savior. And here I was not willing to do that this morning because of petty insecurities and a hard heart. It's so hard for me to stay strong in my discipline with my children and be courteous and kind to them if I'm not in tune with the Spirit. And it's so hard not to get mad at Jeromy for trifle little things and get frustrated really easily when I'm not in tune with the Spirit. (Not to mention how I tend to get really down on myself and think I'm inadequate in everything when I'm not working to have the Spirit with me all the time.) I know these things. So why am I not working harder to have the Spirit in my life? That's the million dollar question.

I was blessed by the Spirit today as we went to our meetings, no doubt because I did do my end of the bargain and shared my testimony. But I can't help but think how different it would've been if I had done it with a glad and willing heart. So here's to my new goals of being willing to soften my heart and make room for the Savior and His Spirit in my life. Here's to reading and studying my scriptures even if I think I'll never be a scholar scriptorian. And here's to having more meaningful and sincere prayers, even if it means my kids are running amok downstairs while I lock myself in my closet. I NEED the Spirit if I want to be a good mother, wife, and person. So I'm promising now to try a lot harder.