Teaching Children to Work
-Mosiah 4:14 So our children won't be hungry, naked, transgress, or fight.
-Be firm at the first, or it will get worse. (I'm ashamed to say that it took me a few years to understand that principle!) This applies to discipline, house rules, modesty, dating standards, etc.
-Begin tonight to insist on being obeyed. Watch them until you're obeyed. (Say the standard/rule and then watch them closely).
-It is appropriate for you to be in charge.
-Never again tell them what to do. Tell them what needs to happen.
-We all have 3 attitudes: a parent attitude, an adult attitude, and a child attitude. If we are talking like a parent to a child, you're talking down. Ineffective. Act like an adult talking to an adult. And if you're talking like a child to a parent (I'm begging you please clean up the toys!) then you're in a heap of trouble.
-Example: "It is 5pm, Timmy, it's time for blocks to be put away." Watch until he obeys. Timmy throws the block at you. "Blocks belong in the box, and are not something that we throw. You need to go to your room while I bandage my arm."
-If you get mad, the child has won.
-There is no small discipline situation! Most of your problems you live with everyday. We need to move from problem to solution. (She said she wanted to teach us eternal principles and then it was up to us to turn that into practical hints for ourselves.)
-Try to motivate and make it fun. Example: "I think those blocks can be picked up in 25 seconds. What do you think?" "If I lay on the ground and put my feet just so, I bet you can't get those blocks through my feet and into the box."
-Be absolutely fun to live with! Sometimes when we're so focused on getting things done and keeping things in our house in order, we become a not-so-fun person to live with. Be corny! When the teenager whines about something, mimic the whine right back to them to alleviate the atmosphere. They'll roll their eyes, but they're not whining anymore, and are probably communicating by now about how they really feel, etc.
-In trying to talk like adults with your children, make a statement and leave the choice up to them. "We can't eat until the table is set." And don't ask a question like, "Could you set the table, please?" because you're just setting them up to say no. Instead, ask, "Would you like to put the forks or the spoons on first?" or something like that.
-Parenting is about standing firm no matter what. It's not a "popular" thing. You're not going to be "popular" or "accepted" in your home until they're all gone and grown up. So be firm and teach them principles.
-Parenting is about building walls of safety around your child until they leave and have to make those decisions themselves. "Why can't I watch the rated R film my teacher recommends?" "Because in our home, we don't do that. Yes, you can decide to watch that when you become an adult, but our home is a home of safety, and we don't do such things."
-Talk about urgent matters when it's important and not urgent (another time). Example: Talk about dating standards from the time they turn 12 so they have 4 years of ingraining those standards in their heads before they actually start dating.
-Compliment specifically. As specific as you can get. Which compliment are they going to remember longer: "You cleaned the rug so nicely! Thank you, it looks great!" or "Wow, you cleaned the rug so nicely that it almost looks brand new!"
-Other examples of this: "The bathtub is so clean that I can see my reflection in it! Good job!" "You put all those blocks away in 25 seconds! That is so awesome!"
-Identify their job and teach S.I. (self-initiative). Talk about how they are being more independent. "You know, you picked up those blocks right when I asked you to. Maybe tomorrow we can have a little signal so I don't even have to ask you. And pretty soon you'll be ready for S.I. What is S.I.? Well, when you are being more independent, you'll just know that you need to pick up the blocks without being told to. And then you'll R, R, and R. ?? It means Return, Report, and Reward (her reward was a bumblebee kiss)." So the child would know that at 5pm, he needs to pick up his blocks, then he would Return to his mother, Report that he did the job, and then get his Reward. Another example: "We always brush our teeth at night, right? Well if you have S.I. you'll go to the bathroom as soon as dinner is over and brush your teeth without being told. Then you'll R, R, and R."
-Usually, (well, at least for ages 2-5) they can handle as many jobs as they have years. Your 2-year-old can handle, say, putting shoes away, and scooting the chairs in after dinner.
-If the child is old enough and able enough to get it out, they are able enough to put it back.
-When they begin to contribute, they will feel valued. And when they feel valued, the will have high self-esteem.
-Patterns and consistency are taught before they reach school age.
-Include them in the problem-solution process. "Timmy, I think you know we have a problem with these blocks. The blocks need to be put away so we can have dinner, and if it doesn't get done, we get hungry, etc. What do you think we can do about this problem?" The are just waiting for you to give them the opportunity to grow up. And kids are actually really good at helping find the solution. Her 6-year-old still had his pacifier. The doctor said they needed to find a way to get rid of it. So they brought the problem to their 6-year-old. He said, "Well how about this. I get Binky time for 5 minutes 3 times a day for a week. And then the next week I only get it for 10 minutes each day, and the next week I get it for 5 minutes each day. And at the end of that week, we'll have a funeral for my Binkies."
-Teaching them to work builds the foundation for them to grow up. If they have a good work ethic, they'll be better adults.
-Parenting is complex and one of the hardest things you'll ever do. Pray about it!
-When school gets out for the summer, they have 3 days of vacation. They all (including Mom) lay around in their pajamas all day, sleep in, watch TV all day, eat junk, whatever. For 3 days. On the fourth day, Mom gets out the chore cards and they decide what chores they want for the whole summer. "We all need a dusting job, which room would you like?" They all have indoor jobs, outdoor jobs, bathroom jobs, cooking jobs, etc. Each of them cooked lunch once a week (prepping, cooking, cleaning up). And she split them up so they're not all dusting on the same day, and they're not all cleaning in the bathroom on the same day (that spells disaster, doesn't it?). And they're consistent throughout the whole summer, so they can't just slack off on the dusting one week because they know their sibling that's good at dusting will fix it the next week. And that way you know who's to blame if you find the living room isn't dusted very well because there's only one person in charge of dusting that room. It's important to keep them simple, short, and consistent.
-Her kids could not play with friends or watch TV, etc. until their chores were done. However, they did something fun together each day, whether they had finished their chores or not. The consequence/punishment should not be taking them away from a family activity, but something else, like TV privileges or something. On Mondays (usually at 10am because that gave them ample time to finish their chores) they went to the park. Tuesday, the library. Wednesdays, watched a movie. Thursdays, an art lesson or craft project. Fridays, a science experiment.
-It's not soccer, drama, piano lessons, etc. that teach them to be an adult. It's the work. They'll know how to do it when they're gone from the house. Sometimes, when we schedule them for so many extra-curricular activities, it's like they're on a vacation from 12-19 years of age. There's no responsibilities or work ethic.
-Teach them that WORK is anything that stops being fun before it is done.
-They don't do what you expect, they do what you inspect! Inspect the jobs when they're done, and don't finish or correct it. Teach them so they know how to do it right themselves.
-Individual responsibility leads to group success.
-Children aren't getting enough sleep these days. Young ones should be getting 10 hours.
-(Teens especially) need to own a job for a long time (6 months at least), consistently, to really learn it.
-Ages 12-18, 99% of their time is spent thinking of the opposite sex. Utilize that other 1%. Sometimes you have to pick your battles (hopefully it doesn't get that bad) to use that 1% of time.
-If your child thinks the only word you know is "hurry," you need to slow down so they don't burn out.
-Your child should know the second you're serious without yelling, etc.
-Always allow them to have a choice.
-If your child acts up at the store (grabbed the blinkie coupons when they're not supposed to was the example), take them out to the car. Give them the choice: "Do you want to go back in and try again or should we just go home? Just remember, if we do go home, we won't have any milk on our cereal tomorrow morning, but it's fine if we go home." It'll probably only take that once to go home and have dry cereal in the morning for them to realize you mean business.
-The Rainbow Effect- adding a little extra. You know, the tub looks great and so clean, but how could we help Mom enjoy her bath a little more? Johnny: I could fold a towel to look like a turtle! OR The table is set so nicely, how could we add a little extra love? Flowers!
-If they are allowed to hit when young, they are more likely to be immoral when they're older (teens). Because of a lack of physical control. Say, from a very young age, "Hitting is not permitted." Yes, you'll have to do this over and over and over...
-Don't tell the child the bad thing he/she just did. Say what the rule is. Then wait (timeout) and then ask if they are ready to be in control yet. You can let the child decide when they're ready instead of the timer doing that. Obviously, if they're ready to be in control after 3 seconds of timeout, they haven't really thought it through. But you get the idea.
-It is very effective to let the child decide on their own punishment. (Not right when it has happened, but for when it happens in the future).
-Always teach them to respect each other. Respect starts when they're young. "We do not tease/make fun/call names, etc."
-Be creative when helping them through their problems. When 2 siblings aren't getting along, have them lay down touching heads, and they have to sing themselves through the problem to the solution.
Now remember, these aren't my thoughts, but my notes from the class. So don't get mad at me if you don't agree. And here are the handouts from last week:
2 comments:
Awesome post! Thank you SO MUCH!
Great food for thought!
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